To Ellen with love

My college friend, Ellen, passed away last July after enduring a courageous four year battle with breast cancer.  Ellen was a ray of sunshine.  Her bright shining light often amplified my sometimes mellow, melancholy demeanor which when I first met her annoyed me to no end, lol.  We worked side by side during our clinicals in radiography.  She was perky and upbeat and I tolerated her.  I then became pregnant after a year of trying.  At 14 weeks along we lost our baby.  Devastated, I took a whopping two days off work.  When you are pregnant you cannot go to surgery because of the radiation from the X-ray machine.  Upon my return to work I was called to surgery and Ellen immediately offered to go for me.  I was aching both physically and emotionally and felt like a failure for not carrying my baby to viability.  My emotions were too complex to even put into words.  Our eyes met and I simply said, "I can go, I am not pregnant". The words hung in the air.  The air felt like it left the room and I wanted to suck the words back in because they stung so badly.  Ellen touched my hand and simply said, "I will go.  I am sorry Jamie". I was glad the first time I said the words out loud they were met with respect and tenderness.  She was not yet married or a mom so she did not understand but she was not trying to.  She was trying to meet me where I was at and hear me.  It was easier to say the words after that.  More on Ellen soon...